Click here for a slightly more up to date picture of me. It still is not current, but who stays who they are long enough for a picture to be developed?
My dad was in the foreign service. That meant that we moved a lot and saw a lot of the world. It sounds a lot more glamorous than it was. Exotic lands are wasted on kids who just wish there was more (in English!) on TV. And very small high schools (7 students in my 10th grade class, 40 in 12th grade) and cloistered embassy communities didn't help.
The exact chronology was:
In retrospect, however, I would not trade my childhood for a more normal one. Seeing as I can't, that is probably a good thing. In any case, it gave me a truly global perspective that I really appreciate now. And I finally understand that nobody really has a "normal" childhood anyway.
My mother is German. Well, she is naturalized. But between her and my German grandmother and the three very formative years that I spent in Germany, I feel more than a little German. Besides, I am more like my Omi than any of my other relatives - she had black hair with a white streak too. And I do speak German, though my grammar is atrocious, my vocabulary is rusty, and my pronunciation leaves a whole lot to be desired. But I have had dreams in German, which is really cool.
My American grandparents were so slouches either. But you can read about them yourself in the bestseller about their pet, That Quail Robert. I feel incredibly fortunate to have this book as a means of getting to know my grandparents as the people they were to their contemporaries. And it is a wonderful read even if you aren't related - or so I've been told.
Finally, I have to mention that I am one of five children. Having a large number of siblings meant that each time we pulled up roots, we were taking along our closest friends. Of course we didn't feel that way at the time because we were all fiercely competitive. Fortunately, our competitiveness seems to have cooled a bit and now we have become quite close. Trevor (1.5 years older) is a Harvard MBA and has just gone into business with some coworkers starting their own company. Tanya (2 years younger) has master's degrees in German and Comparative Lit and she knows more languages than I ever hope to encounter. Brian (3.5 years younger) is working on a degree in Physical Therapy at Boston University, And Keith (12 years younger) is still in high school but is a budding hacker and poet.
I went to college at New College in Sarasota, Florida. I wanted to get as far away from my family as possible and attended New College because it appealed to the social outcast in me and because my father really didn't want me to...
During my first year, I met a remarkable girl, Carol, and we were married the following August. We were young. We were in love. We were foolish. On the day of our wedding, the gulf coast of Florida was rocked by a hurricane that cut off electricity and roads to the hall where the ceremony was to take place. But being equally stubborn and unable to take a hint we went ahead with it anyway. Despite the fact that we were completely unprepared for marriage, we managed to stay together for almost nine years, many of which were happy. We were separated in 1994 (has it been two years already?), and were divorced in January 1995.
In spite of my social life, I actually did get quite an education in college. I spent four years trying to teach myself computer science under the watchful eye of my advisor, Soo Bong Chae, a math professor. While our methods may have been questionable, the results were not - I learned a lot of computer science, math, and physics. Soo Bong knew that if he did not let me know what he expected of me and made me guess instead, I would invariably set much higher standards for myself than he ever would have! He was a wise and generous soul - unfortunately he passed away early in 1994. He is sorely missed.
Before coming to grad school, I spent two more years working fun but non-challenging jobs in Sarasota (which is not exactly the center of the high-tech universe)…
I have been a graduate student in the Computer Science Department at the University of Virginia since 1990. Initially, I was on a break-neck pace, chewing up the course requirements, finishing my master's thesis after three semesters, taking the comprehensive exams on the same week as my master's defense, getting a few publications out, and having time to serve on the graduate student group, run the copy club, and organize happy hour. But somewhere along the line, the wheels came off.
Shortly after my marriage ended, I decided to leave the program. But I had already committed to teaching CS120 (Intro to Business Computing) and thus turned down a lucrative job offer to honor that commitment. At the time I believed that the type of work I wanted to do could be done just as well with only a master's degree and that I was wasting my time working towards a PhD - especially since my progress had been effectively stalled for over a year.
Teaching CS120 was the most rewarding job I have ever had. I had 60 students, and being blessed with a great memory, I was able to learn all their names inside of a few weeks. I also tried hard to remember how I learned computer science - which analogies had been the most useful. I talked to friends who knew a lot about teaching and learned that different students learn in different manners and I tried to ensure that I was not directing my lectures at any one group. I made myself constantly available by e-mail and (to the chagrin of my office-mates) in person. I lived and breathed CS120 for an entire semester. And the students rose to the challenge that I offered - as a result, I was able to give many high grades, every single one of which was earned.
At the outset of this course, I wanted to know whether I would enjoy teaching and whether I am any good at it. Well, I have found the answer to the first question, and given my teaching evaluations, I suspect I know the answer to the second. Unfortunately, this means that I need to get my PhD after all in order to do what I most want to do!
So, having decided to remain in the program, I realized that drastic measures were required in order to jump start my research career. I came to terms with the fact that I was working in an area that I was not comfortable on a topic that my heart simply was not in. I changed topics and advisors and am now working in an area that I truly enjoy - it is my sincere hope that I can use my current enthusiasm to produce a top-rate dissertation that will get me a job doing what now understand to be my calling.
During the last year or two of my marriage, I was in an almost constant state of depression. I had made the mistake of putting my life on hold until I finished my PhD, and I understand now that you simply cannot be happy living for the distant future. I was miserable and I made everyone around me miserable. But during the last month of my marriage, when it was clear that things were near the end, I simply snapped out of it. One day I was cursing the sunlight for causing me migraines and thinking that the kids and the birds outside were put on earth simply to annoy me. The next day I was realizing how uplifting the sunlight was and how beautiful the birds sounded. And that was when I realized that there was, for lack of a better term, a God.
I had spent the last ten years telling myself that the universe was a secular place and that as a rational scientist, I had no need for primitive superstitions. I took the incredibly arrogant position that because I had not figured out a way to blend intelligence and faith, there was no way. And one day I realized that I was not at heart a scientist - that I was a dreamer trapped in a world of scientists. And that there were things more important than drifting from one attempt at self-gratification to another. It still is very hard to say "I believe in God" - perhaps because the term means something different to every individual. But for what it is worth, I do believe in God, and that has made all the difference. But rest assured, I do not go around beating people over the head with religion - especially since I am still having trouble finding a church into which I can fit!
In any case, in April 1994, I started exercising (eventually losing 45-50 pounds), cut my hair, finally took steps towards getting my driver's license, and a number of other personal improvements, including going cold turkey on TV for a while. And though I fought hard to save my marriage, it was simply too late. That was probably for the best, though I could not see it at the time. I never blamed her, and after I stopped blaming myself, I took the time to be an independent adult and discover who I am. Better late than never - but it does mean that I was in a state of flux for over a year!
I am still doing things to improve myself, still trying to meet new people, still trying new activities to see what I enjoy and don't. And I don't ever intend to stop. But at this point I think I have settled into being the person that I am.
As these things happen, it wasn't until I realized that I was pretty happy being who I am and that I am a complete person all on my own that I met the young woman with whom I intend to share my life. I celebrated July 4th on the Mall with some friends and their friends and there she was. Elena is studying to be an elementary school teacher and currently acts as a substitute in Arlington (where she lives). She spent a year as a volunteer English teacher in Costa Rice with WorldTeach and is a dyed in the wool liberal like myself. OK, she makes me feel almost conservative, but I am trying to be more liberal! She is also a writer who has a lot more talent than she lets herself believe, but I guess that is true of all writers. And she is a wonderful friend who would never turn her back on anyone in need. And she likes Legos too!
Given than Elena lives in Arlington and I live in Charlottesville, we have been doing the commuter number of weekends. As luck would have it, I was coming home from Arlington on January 6th and was caught unprepared by the blizzard. Click here for a picture of the wreck. Although it is hard for me to remember exactly what happened, I am pretty sure the car rolled over and I remember reminding myself to try to relax and let my body go limp before the car left its wheels. To make a long story short, as I was staring numbly at the wreckage of my car while waiting for the tow truck to arrive, I realized that I was lucky to be alive. More to the point, I realized that I had been lucky to be alive the day before I just had forgotten that fact. So in spite of my insurance going up and my having to buy a new car, I managed to take my health and a good attitude away from the wreck so I guess I came out ahead..
If you have read this far, you can probably guess that I am not very self-conscious. Well, I am making up for lost time. I spent many years being extremely self-conscious and assuming that I had to hide my secrets from everyone. I'm not sure where I picked that up from, but it was extremely destructive. I am a gregarious person - I am outgoing and I have no problem being extremely open about how I feel. And I know that this does make some people uncomfortable. But I have also found that many, many people would like to be able to open up to more people, and that by being open and taking the "risk", I can give others an opportunity to share their feelings.
Throughout the process of my separation and divorce, I poured out my heart to a lot of strangers. As a result, I now have a lot of new friends. I'll take that any day of the week. And some of those friends have come to me when they have had troubles and I have been able to help them work through their problems. So if some good can come of all the bad that I went through, then that is good enough reason for me to keep taking the "risk" that I know now to be a paper tiger.
A few years ago a friend of mine complained to me that all he could talk about was baseball and economics. At that point, I realized that all I could talk about was baseball and computers. So I decided that if at all possible, I would not berate people with talk about sports, computers, current events, and politics. Rather, I would try to discuss more universal topics - the human condition, inter-personal relationships, psychology, theology, philosophy, and literature. Not that I know much about the latter four topics, but I can learn a lot by listening to those who do!
I also used to be the world's biggest TV junkie. But after my separation, I went cold turkey on TV for months. OK, I watched the World Cup, and I watched a few episodes of MST3K. But I filled the gaps by reading. Later, I spent all my time on CS120. And then I rediscovered the joys of dabbling in poetry. I started writing down my notes on books as I read them. I didn't get too far, but someday I intend to put some real effort into bringing this up-to-date. If you want to look, be my guest, but don't say you wasn't warned.
My musical tastes are in a constant state of flux, but the one constant is the music of the Pet Shop Boys. Their music is incredibly high-energy and uplifting and their lyrics are (to quote a friend) both cynical and at the same time naive - that is the exact balance that I am looking for in my life. But I will give anything a listen, so if you would like to lend me stuff...
I also enjoy games a lot. I dabble in Chess, enjoy multi-player games when I can get enough cool people together, and really enjoy two-player board wargames. I used to play Advanced Squad Leader over the Internet but gave it up when I discovered that it required too great a commitment. At present, I have rediscovered one of the true loves of my childhood - Legos. I find Legos to be extremely therapeutic: when I need to escape the world, I just follow the instructions and spend a couple of hours free from all problems. When I want a challenge, I go freestyle, following wherever my creativity takes me. Legos are something you can do by yourself or with others. Legos bring out the child in everyone - even those pretending to be adults!
If you have read this far, then you know a whole lot about me. I made a conscious decision to ignore professional decorum and be myself in this space. I would really appreciate it if you would take a second and fire e-mail in my direction introducing yourself. It's easy to remember: fool virginia edu. You don't need any pretense such as suggestions or comments. Just say hi.
